There's this bird called Mary, yeah? She's a virgin.

(Wossat then?)

She's not married or nuffink, but she's got this boyfriend, Joe, innit? He does joinery an' that. Mary lives with him in a crib dahn Nazaref.

One day Mary meets this bloke Gabriel. She's like: 'Oo you lookin' at?'

Gabriel just goes: 'You got one up the duff, you have.'

Mary's totally gobsmacked. She gives it to 'im large.

'Stop dissin' me yeah? I ain't no Kappa-slapper. I never bin wiv no one!'

So Mary goes and sees her cousin Liz, who's six months gone herself. Liz is largin' it. She's filled with spirits, Bacardi Breezers an' that.

She's like: 'Orright, Mary, I can proper feel me bay-bee in me tummy and I reckon I'm well blessed. What with the extra benefits an' that.'

Mary goes: 'Yeah, s'pose you're right.'

Anyway, there's the census, y'knaaa? Mary an' Joe ain't got no money so they have to twock a donkey, an' go dahn Beflehem on that.

They get to this pub an' Mary wants to stop yeah? To have her bay-bee, an' that. But there ain't no room in the inn, innit? So Mary an' Joe break an' enter into this garridge, only it's filled wiv animals. Cahs an' sheep an' that.

Then these three geezers turn up, looking proper bling, wiv crowns on their heads. They're like: 'Respect the bay-bee Jesus', an' say they're wise men from the East End.

Joe goes: 'If you're so wise, wotchoo doin' with this Frankenstein an' myrrh? Why dincha just bring gold, Adidas, an' Burberry?'

It's all abaht to kick off when Gabriel turns up again an' sez he's got another message from this Lord geezer. He's like: 'The police is coming an' they're killing all the bay-bees. You better nash off to Egypt.'

Joe goes: 'You must be monged if you think I'm goin' dahn Egypt on a minging donkey.'

Gabriel sez: 'Suit yerself, pal. But it's your look-aht if you stay.'

So they go dahn Egypt till they've stopped killing the first-born an' it's safe an' that. Then Joe and Mary and Jesus go back to Nazeref, an' Jesus turns water into lager.

¶ 10:07 am